


because i like the way it hurts (and i love the way you lie)

by majesdane



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-28
Updated: 2010-11-28
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:13:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She loved them both; she couldn't chose between them. She was glad they decided for her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	because i like the way it hurts (and i love the way you lie)

i loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.  
\-- _poem twenty_ , pablo neruda

 

 

 

The phone rang five times before it went to voicemail, Kaya's voice echoing throughout the room.

"Pick up the bloody phone, Lily, I know you're there. I'm not hanging up this time."

Lily sighed, rolling over in bed and blindly reaching across her nightstand for the phone. She managed to hit the button for the speakerphone, flopping back down on the bed with a sigh. "What."

"Well, it's about time." Kaya's voice was strained, like she was trying very hard not do something. Like laugh. Or maybe do a bit of shouting. Most likely the latter. Lily had been ignoring her calls for the past three days now; she'd briefly considered just unplugging the phone, but then she could have potentially missed something important, and besides, that would have also involved work. So she'd just let Kaya through to voicemail each and every time.

It wasn't like she could avoid Kaya forever, though. She was annoyingly persistent.

"What do you want?"

"Just checking on you," Kaya said. Lily closed her eyes and imagined Kaya reclining on the over-sized sofa in her flat, a week-old issue of _Heat_ on the coffee table next to her, the telly on, quietly broadcasting the news. She can't remember the last time she's properly watched telly. "I heard that you got dumped. Again."

"I didn't get _dumped_ ," Lily groaned, annoyed. "You can't get dumped if you're not actually dating someone."

Kaya sighed. "So what, then?"

"So we decided to see other people. Again. I don't know why I have to keep explaining this to you Kaya, it's not as if Kat and I don't come to this decision every other month." Lily rolled onto her stomach, kicking the sheets off. It's too hot out for May, she thought, pushing her sweaty bangs back from her forehead, already looking forward to a shower.

"I don't get it," Kaya said. "Why not just properly break up?"

"We tried that. Didn't work."

A pause followed that. Lily could almost see Kaya rolling her eyes. There's the sound of a newspaper being ruffled, folded up. "Well, either way," Kaya said at last. "You need to get over it. I'm tired of seeing you mope around when the inevitable happens. Let's go out today, meet for coffee."

Lily thought briefly of protesting, then decided that maybe getting out of the house for a while couldn't possibly hurt _that_ much. And besides, Kaya, as usual, was right; there wasn't any point in sitting around the house feeling sorry for herself. Especially when she had known what was going to happen right from the very beginning.

"Fine," she said and Kaya responded in kind, to the click of a lighter being flicked on.

 

;;

 

Things had gone well at first.

Kathryn was finishing up _Goth_ , while Lily was getting ready for her third series with _The Fades_ , juggling episode scripts and sides for possible roles in West End shows. They lived together in a little flat in London, right in the center of the city, since it was easiest for both of them. It was also closest to most of the old _Skins_ cast, too, which, at the time, had actually meant something. The only ones Lily really talked to any more were Meg, Luke, and Kaya, but none of them were acting any longer.

After a string of disappointing minor roles, Kaya had turned her focus to modelling, something she'd kept up with for four years now. Luke had gone to Uni and moved into management type work. And Megan had surprised everyone by becoming a college philosophy professor. They saw Megan the most out of the three, but that was to be expected; the distance between the twins had actually done them a fair bit of good and while they still bickered constantly, they enjoyed being in each other's company much more than before.

Lily saw Kaya every so often, usually once a month, at least. It was difficult to meet up sometimes, given their crazy schedules, but Kaya was still as addicted to Twitter and Facebook as she always had been, so it was easy to keep in touch. Their favourite place to go was Cafe Nero, one which had the particular attraction of being placed at an almost equidistance between their two homes. Kaya always got there first, securing them a booth near the back, blowing gently on her steaming cup of coffee. There'd been something nice about being able to get away from Kathryn every so often, Lily always thought. It wasn't as if she didn't care -- far from it, actually -- but after almost five years of dating, it had been nice to have some time to herself every now and then.

It was something that Lily was sadly mulling over as she showered and got dressed, slipping her feet into a pair of worn out red plimsolls. She pulled her hair up into a messy ponytail without even checking her reflection in the mirror; she just couldn't be bothered. Not today, anyway.

Kathryn hadn't dumped her -- not exactly. As always, they'd come to a mutual conclusion that things weren't working out (again) and they should try seeing other people (again). Each time they came together seemed worse than the last, somehow, but they kept doing it, even when the fights got more vicious and the apologies grew even further in between. But Lily had always seen the softer side to Kat, the side that few other people knew about, and most of the time that was enough to balance out the bad parts.

Most of the time, anyway.

This time they'd broken up because Kathryn had ended up sleeping with one of the female make-up artists on her new show -- some lame _Gossip Girl_ -esque thing that Lily knew Kathryn secretly despised -- and it had started to turn a bit serious. Or so Kat _said_ , anyway.

"Oh, fantastic," Lily had said, sitting at the kitchen table and giving her lighter a vigorous shake to try and get it to work again. "And when were you going to tell me about this? When I came home one evening to find her spread out on the kitchen table?"

"Don't be disgusting," Kat admonished, in that annoying, self-important tone of voice that she usually reserved for Megan. The kind of thing Lily hated. "First of all, you know how I feel about bringing girls back to my flat. Second of all, I was going to tell you, eventually."

"When's 'eventually,' Kathryn?"

"When I fucking felt like it," Kat had snapped back, losing her composure for a moment. Then, suddenly interested on one of the buttons on her blouse, she'd added, "If you really need to know, I wasn't going to tell you unless I really felt like she was better than you."

Lily felt something in her tighten, like her heart was constricting. She finally managed to light her fag, fumbling with the lighter, her hands shaking a bit. "And is she?"

Kat gave her a look, leaning back against the counter. "You don't want to know, but I know you'll keep on asking me about it anyway. Yes, in some ways, Lily, she _is_ better than you. But not in _every_ way." She paused, pushing herself off of the counter and coming to sit on Lily's lap. It was oddly intimate; Lily wished she hadn't done that.

She cleared her throat. Kat reached over and snatched the cigarette away from her, taking a sharp drag of it before handing it back to Lily, who watched Kathryn slowly exhale a mouthful of blue-gray smoke, her lips pursued, head tilted at an angle that brought out the curve of her neck. She longed to move forward and kiss it, trace the shape of it with the tip of her tongue.

But she couldn't. Not now.

"Don't be so sad, Lily," Kathryn had said, reaching down to take Lily's hand in her own, intertwining their fingers together. "It's not like you don't know how this will end."

"Do I?" Lily'd muttered bitterly, but she hadn't pulled her hand away.

Neither had Kat, not even long after the silence between them had grown uncomfortable.

 

;;

 

"You look a fucking mess," Kaya told her cheerfully, as Lily sat down at the table where there was already a cup of coffee -- black, three sugars -- waiting for her. Kaya was sipping on her regular mocha latte and looking far too pretty for her own good. As usual. She'd probably just come from a shoot, since her hair fell around her face, down her back in gentle waves. Kaya never styled her own hair like that.

Lily managed a wry smile. "Thanks for that."

Kaya beamed at her, taking a sip of her latte. Lily instantly despised her.

After a moment, Kaya said, "Well, at least you finally got out of your apartment. I thought you were going to sit around there moping forever."  
"I wasn't _moping_ \-- "

"You were. Very much so."

Lily sighed, toying with the plastic cover of her coffee cup. She'd taken it off so that she could blow on her drink to cool it off a bit. Instead she was just watching the streams of smoke swirling up into the cool air of the shop, dissolving into nothingness. "Yeah, well. I had an excuse."

Kaya rolled her eyes. "It's been, what, five times now that this has happened? I thought you'd be used to it by now, Lily. Besides, it can't be that bad, can it?" she asked brightly in a blatant effort to cheer Lily up. "I mean, you already know how this is going to work out. You break up and then in a month Kathryn will ring you and say the whole thing was a mistake and that she wants to get back together with you. She _always_ does this, Lily, and you know it."

"I don't know this time." Lily took a tentative sip of her coffee; it was still too hot; she burned her tongue on it. "It feels different this time."

"Lily Loveless," Kaya said, adopting a serious tone, reaching across the table and taking both of Lily's hands in her own, meeting her eyes. "You need to stop beating yourself up about this, yeah? I have no idea _why_ , but I know that you and Kat are just made for each other. She _will_ call you. Trust me."

Lily managed a smile, though she didn't feel much encouraged. "Yeah," she said. "I suppose you're right."

 

;;

 

Three weeks later, Kathryn still hadn't called her, but Lily was feeling better nonetheless.

Kaya had been right, after all, and Lily had given the whole matter a great deal of thought once she'd gotten home from the meeting in the coffee shop. A bottle of vodka and a spliff -- which made her feel disgustingly nostalgic, but fuck it, it always helped -- later she'd realized that she had absolutely no reason to be upset. Kathryn, she knew, was a creature of habit. Sure, right now Kathryn was having her little fling with some girl who was probably much younger than her -- and even more of a slag, knowing Kat -- but when it came down to it, she _knew_ that Lily was the best girl for her.

Or so Lily hoped, anyway.

And it wasn't as if they hadn't gone through this a hundred times before. Kathryn would get it set in her mind that there was something wrong with them and it would lead to a breakup. Not like she'd ever _tell_ Lily what was wrong, but that was just another Kat-thing Lily had gotten used to over the years. In some ways, Kathryn hadn't changed a bit from the day they first met; she was still just as sulky and uncommunicative as she'd ever been.

"I always wanted to talk to you, you know," Lily had told Kathryn one day, when they were curled up naked on the couch together in their apartment, still a bit flushed and sweaty, coming down from a surprisingly aggressive session of lovemaking.

Kat had looked at her curiously.

"In drama school, I mean," Lily'd clarified, as Kat laced their fingers together, her breath hot on Lily's shoulder. "You seemed so cool, with your pink hair and your I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-anything attitude. I remember seeing you on the first day and thinking, Wow, I will never be _that_ girl. You know? And of course you never said a word to me outside of when we actually had to interact on stage. And I was too afraid to say anything myself. I was kind of a loser."

Kat laughed and kissed the bridge of Lily's nose. "Not a loser," she'd corrected, with a slight smile. "Just quiet. Too quiet for me, I guess." She kissed Lily again, this time full on the lips. "You were too quiet for me and I was too loud for you."

"And what about now?"

"Now it's different," Kat told her, nuzzling against her shoulder. "I can't really explain it. But we're both sort of loud and quiet at the same time now, aren't we? We've balanced each other out by taking a part of each other. Which sounds stupid," she added, after a moment, with another laugh, lips against Lily's skin. "But you know?"

Lily'd grinned and untangled her fingers from Kat's, slipping her hand down and between Kathryn's thighs, feeling Kat buck and gasp against her.

"I sort of do," she'd said, as Kat whimpered and bit down on her shoulder, fingers working in small, tight circles. "I sort of do."

She hadn't told Kathryn that she'd had a crush on her during their whole time together in drama school because, a) it sounded completely ridiculous and a bit pathetic, even to her, and, b) she wasn't even sure now if it was actually a _crush_ or it was just the fact that Lily, at age fifteen, had never met anyone as cool as Kathryn and admired her like hell. There was also, c) which was the fact that Lily didn't like to talk about things like _love_ with Kat.

Which wasn't to say that she didn't love Kathryn, because she did, more so than she and Kat probably knew, but Kathryn could be so annoyingly analytical about these sort of things. _Why_ , she would have asked Lily. _Why did you love me when you didn't even know me?_ And Lily couldn't answer questions like that.

(Besides, it hadn't been love. It'd been a _crush_. A small crush at that. Not like Kathryn would have understood the difference.)

So she'd taken Kaya's advice and put the whole matter out of her head -- at least for the time being and at least for as long as she could. Of course when she crawled into bed at night and pressed her face against the pillow, it smelled like the shampoo Kathryn used. And there was Kat's toothbrush, by the sink, and a forgotten bottle of blood-red hair dye tucked away in the medicine cabinet. And a pair of Kat's high heels in the hallway.

She hated Kat for always having to be the one to move out; Lily felt like she was just one of the things Kat had left behind. A lone sock, in the laundry. A copy of _People_ near the telly. Things that she once had and then forgot about. Left behind for bigger and better and brighter things. She'd come back for them one day. Maybe. Or maybe they'd all end up in the rubbish, when she never came back to collect them and someone else moved in.

But things had picked up when she'd gotten a call back for one of the new plays that was currently being workshopped with plans to open on the West End in the next year. It was a typical, pretentious romantic bullshit type play, the kind that Lily had read a thousand and more scripts for, but the truth was, she hadn't had a job in nearly six months and her money situation -- no matter how much Kat paid for things and Lily saved up -- was getting a bit desperate. So she'd dragged herself to an audition and had somehow done well enough to be selected for the final round of tryouts.  
And from there she'd ended up as not the lead -- like she'd auditioned for, fuck it -- but being cast as the lead character's best friend. Which was almost good enough. Not like she was planning on this being her award-winning role, after all. And Kaya encouraged her accept it, stating that it would be a good way to take her mind off of Kathryn.

(Which was Good Kaya Advice #4062, but Lily wasn't counting.)

 

;;

 

On the fifth day of the fourth week, she got a phone call.

It wasn't Kathryn, like she was hoping, but instead, Jack.

"Lils!" He chirped, over the phone, sounding no different than he had in years. "I'm back in London for the weekend, innit, and I was thinking we should hang out. Bring Kat and Kaya along, we'll have a good time."

"Can't bring Kathryn," Lily told him, not able to completely hide the disappointment in her voice. But fuck it, she thought; it was just Jack. It wasn't as if he'd take offense to it. It was one of the many things she liked about having Jack as a mate; he knew when to care and when to not. He wasn't sulky like Kat or irritatingly optimistic like Kaya.

Not even annoyingly perceptive like Meg could sometimes be, which was probably why he hadn't caught the tone in her voice.That, or their connection was bad. Most likely the former rather than the latter.

"What, has she gone and got herself a new bird again?"

Lily grit her teeth. "Yes. Again. But Kaya and I can still come to see you, if you'd like. Or she should be able to come, anyway. I know that I can; I'll have to call her and make sure she doesn't have a shoot or something. I don't know her schedule."

There was the click of a lighter on Jack's end and the sound of him inhaling. "Is she still doing that modelling thing? How's it going?"

Lily told him she didn't know. "Good enough, I suppose," she said, suddenly itching for a fag herself. "When and where should we plan on meeting you then?"

"Saturday is best. What about that pub near Kaya's place?"

"Yeah, it's all right," Lily said. Anything to get out of the house. "Sure, that's fine. I'll call Kaya and let her know. Ask her. Whatever. We'll be there on Saturday at eight o'clock unless something comes up, in which case I would obviously call you and let you know."

Jack sounded like he was smiling when he said, "Right, cheers mate," and hung up before Lily even got a chance to say goodbye.

Well, at least it was _something_.

 

;;

 

The three of them met at the pub on Saturday. Lily was there at eight o'clock sharp, and by the time Kaya, and then Jack, had managed to show up, she'd already worked her way through two shots of vodka and a pint of lager. Jack and Kaya slid into the booth when they saw her, laughing, sandwiching Lily between them, Jack order a round of Strongbow for the three of them.

At five past nine, Lily got a text from Kathryn that caused her heart to skip a beat and made her feel warm and dizzy all at once, something that had nothing at all to do with the fact that she was more than a little drunk. She left with a weak excuse, trying to ignore the disappointed look on Kaya's look while she unsuccessfully lied that, no, she was not going to see Kat at all.

By nine-twenty five she was letting Kathryn into her (their) apartment and tumbling into bed with her, laughing as Kat pressed a trail of feather-light kisses down her stomach, her slender fingers gripping the inside of Lily's thighs and pushing them apart.

 

;;

 

"Are you mad at me?" Kat asked the next morning, twisting a lock of Lily's hair between her fingers, eyes searching Lily's face.

Lily smiled sleepily at her. "Mad? Why would I be mad?"

"Because I'm a complete and utter twat," Kat sighed, moving her hand down until it was settling on Lily's hip, thumb stroking back and forth across her skin, eliciting a pleased sigh from Lily. "You're gorgeous, smart, talented, funny -- remind me why we broke up in the first place?"

"You slept with one of your make-up artists," Lily said, trying her very best to sound completely nonchalant and not at all bitter. "And you said she was better for you than I was."

The movement of Kat's thumb across Lily's skin stopped. "Right." Kathryn frowned, looking upset.

"But hey, that's all over with, yeah?" Lily said, suddenly shifting until she was pressing Kathryn against the bed, straddling her hips and grinding slowly against her, bringing Kat's hand to her mouth, sucking gently on her pinky finger. She watched Kathryn's lips part slightly, her head thrown back on the pillow, eyes fluttering closed. "I mean, I don't care about all that, Kitty Kat. I'm just glad you're here now. That's what counts."

She lowered herself down far enough to press a quick, light kiss to Kathryn's lips, before grinning and sliding down her body, nipping teasingly at the inside of Kat's thigh. She heard Kat sigh and the feeling of Kat's fingers tangling in her hair, urging her onward, sent a hot lick of desire across her stomach.

"You're the only one," Lily heard Kathryn groan, as she circled Kat's clit with her tongue, hands gripping Kat's thighs, fingertips wet. "You're the only fucking one, Lils."

Later, when Lily was bringing Kat down, lazily working her fingers, Kathryn cupped Lily's face in her hands and kissed her with an intensity that Lily hadn't seen in quite some time; she felt her heart swell a bit at that. "I fucking love you," Kat mumbled, against Lily's lips, pulling away for a moment. "I really fucking do."

It was the first time in a while that Lily actually believed her.

 

;;

 

Kaya asked to meet her for lunch.

"So you're back together, then," she said through a mouthful of lettuce smothered in ranch dressing. "Just like that."

Lily shrugged, tracing her finger around the rim of her water glass. "Like you said, Kaya, that's how these things always go with us. Together for a while, then broken up, then together again; you were right. She did want me back after a month, once her little fling was over and done with."

Kaya set down her fork and laced her fingers together, resting her chin on them. "But are you happy, Lily? I don't know if I was right about that. If you'd still be happy when you got back together, I mean."

"I am," Lily told her, feeling suddenly irritated. Why was Kaya questioning her after all her pushing for Lily to stop moping around and just wait it out until Kathryn came to her senses once again? "I am happy," she repeated, stabbing a bit of cucumber with her fork. "I know that -- well, okay, I'm not going to pretend like I'm not a bit on edge, wondering when she's going to dump me -- _us_ \-- again, but I feel good about us being together. It just feels right."

"Well, as long as you're happy." Kaya gave a non-committal shrug and took another bite of salad. "Look, Loveless," she said, taking a sip of water. "It's not like I'm trying to be the proverbial rain on your parade or anything, but I want you to be careful, yeah? I don't want you to get your hopes up thinking this is anything more than a relapse for Kathryn."

That stung.

Lily forced herself to stay calm, even. "Just because I said I'm worried about what _may_ happen in the future, don't think that I'm automatically assuming it _will_ happen," she told Kaya, standing up and pulling on her jacket. "And I'd think, with you being my friend and that, that you wouldn't be either."

"Lily -- "

"I guess I'm just tired of you always being right," Lily sighed, slinging her handbag over her shoulder. "See you around, Kay."

She walked out without a glance back, even though she could feel Kaya's eyes watching her all the way to the bus stop.

 

;;

 

Two weeks go by.

Lily can't remember a time when Kat has been sweeter. She thinks that maybe Kaya was wrong for just fucking _once_ about something. Maybe Kathryn really does love her. Maybe this time she won't prove just how much she's like Naomi and run off when things start to get serious. Maybe this time she'll stay.

She holds onto Kathryn tightly while she sleeps, whispers _don't go_ in between the kisses she presses against Kat's neck. Hopes that maybe Kat will understand that Lily really _is_ all she needs. So maybe she's not as pretty as some of the other girls Kat has flings with. Or maybe she's too serious, too mature. Maybe Kat just wants someone to fuck that she doesn't have to pretend to love.

(Maybe she doesn't love Lily at all.)

On the third week, Megan rings them up and invites them both on a night out. At first they decide to go to the cinema, but Kathryn is keen on seeing a new art house movie and Megan won't give up her decision to see a romantic comedy, so in the end Lily decides that maybe they should do something else.

So they go to a club, instead.

Lily outgrew clubbing after _Skins_ was over, but it never stopped Kathryn, and, to a lesser degree, Meg, from dragging her to one at least once a week. She was sick of waking up deaf the next morning from the constant, heavy throbbing of the bass, tired of waking up immensely hungover and hoping that she hadn't spent her whole week's wages on drinks. And, if she was honest, she was tired of watching Kathryn flirt with the string of girls who usually -- but not always -- recognized her as 'the lesbian from _Skins_.'

(Kathryn was always more than willing, of course, to prove just how much she was like Emily.)

"Come on, cheer up," Megan said, slipping into the booth beside Lily, who was sitting slumped down in her seat, arms crossed, watching with a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as Kathryn chatted up a girl with bottle blond hair and a tan that looked faker than Megan's. Which was saying something.

"I'll buy you a drink then," Megan continued, before following Lily's gaze over to where Kat was. "Or maybe a _few_ drinks," she corrected herself, nudging Lily gently in the arm. "Is she _still_ like that?"

"Hasn't changed a fucking bit," Lily said coldly, reaching over and stealing one of the tequila shots Megan had brought over from the bar, downing it quickly and cringing at the taste. She'd forgotten how much she fucking hated tequila; she usually didn't get drunk in clubs these days, as it was easier to control an inebriated Kathryn that way.

Megan sighed, crossing her arms on the table and resting her head on top of them, looking at Lily. "You must be impossibly noble," she said, after a minute. "To put up with her, I mean."

Kathryn was dancing with the blond now, putting her hands on the blond's waist, grinding their hips together in time to the music. Lily felt like throwing up. Or punching someone. She wasn't sure which. It wasn't like she expected Kathryn to suddenly change overnight, but Kat could at least show some fucking restraint for once, considering they hadn't even been together a sodding month. For fuck's sake.

"Or you're just stupid," she heard Megan mutter and she shot Lily a sympathetic look before heading back up to the bar.

It was too much; Lily climbed out of the booth and strode over to where Kat was dancing.

"Excuse me," Lily shouted over the music, and grabbed Kathryn's hand, yanking her away from the blond and pulling her into the toilets. She pushed Kat into the large, last stall, turning the lock in the door behind her. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she demanded angrily.

Kathryn flashed her a playful smile. "Oh come on Lils," she slurred, drunk. "I was just having a bit of fun. You know that." She reached for Lily's hand; Lily snatched it away, glaring at her.

"If you happened to forget," she said, in a low voice, "I'm your fucking _girlfriend_ , Kathryn. I'm the only one you should be dancing with. And you know what? It didn't look like just playing. It looked like any minute you were going to let yourself be dragged into the toilets for a quick fuck. That's what it fucking looked like, _Kathryn_."

Kat's eyes flashed. "Oh, you mean like what I did to _you_?" she said, sounding suddenly sober, stepping forward and pressing Lily roughly to the wall, pining her arms down to her sides. "Or did you forget about that, Lily?" She licked her lips, the corners of her mouth turning up into a mean smirk. "Did you forget about when we all went out? How I pulled you towards me, guided your hands to my hips? Remember how I pulled you into the back, pushed you into a stall and kissed you until we were both panting?"

Lily licked her lips subconsciously, remembering. It wasn't until a moment later that she realised that Kathryn's hands had moved from Lily's arms to her jeans, tugging the belt loose. She swallowed to try and rid herself of the heavy lump that had formed in her throat, pushing weakly at Kat's shoulders.

"Don't," she murmured. They both knew she didn't mean it.

"I remember how wet you were," Kathryn murmured quietly, standing on tiptoe, her tongue tracing the curve of Lily's ear. "Just from dancing. Remember, Lils?" She took the opportunity to slip her hand down the front of Lily's trousers. "I moved my hand just. Like. This."

(Later, in the taxi, Lily will say, "You shouldn't have done that, Kathryn."

Kat will just smile like she always does and press a kiss to Lily's lips so gentle and sweet that it hurts.)

 

;;

 

Two days later, Lily was still angry with Kat.

Three days later, Kat showed up at Lily's dressing room in nothing but heels and a raincoat, which fell to the floor in a crumpled heap as soon as Lily shut the door with a soft _click_ , and nearly froze in place. They fucked on the couch and Kathryn coaxed an orgasm so hard out of Lily that when she bit down on her hand to keep from crying out, she could taste blood, warm and coppery on her tongue.

 _Sorry_ is a word that's never emitted; Kat just knew she was forgiven.

 

;;

 

Kaya was reclining in a low chair when Lily arrived at the set where Kaya was doing a photoshoot for some makeup advert. Lily wished that she could remember what it was for; she always felt bad for being so forgetful, since Kaya always knew exactly what she and Kat were up to.

Lily cleared her throat and Kaya looked up, fingers stilling on the keypad of her phone, a slow smile spreading across her face.

"Twitter," she said apologetically, finishing up whatever it was she was typing up, before pocketing her iPhone altogether. "I'm ashamed to admit that I am still 100% addicted to it, even though there are other, new sites out there. Call it a force of habit, I don't know." She shrugged, gestured for Lily to take a seat on the empty chair beside her. "So what brings you here, Loveless?"

"So -- well." Lily felt her face grow hot with embarrassment. "I may have been a bit of a cunt the last time I saw you. Okay, so _really_ a cunt," she amended after a moment, when Kaya levelled her with a look. "I shouldn't have just like, gone off on you like that. But you also should at least support me, Kay," she said, quickly. And then, slower, more resigned, "I guess I was just expecting you to just be happy."

"I _am_ happy for you," Kaya said, leaning over and meeting Lily's eyes. "But I'm not going to be happy for you if I know _you're_ not happy. That's it, yeah? If you think things with Kat are going great than yes, of course I'm happy for you. And of fucking course I'll support you. But if for whatever reason it's not working out, then -- "

"It _is_." Lily told her firmly. "Like I said."

Kaya threw up her hands defensively. "Right, cool. But it's sort of not fair on me, Lily, to always have to be there to pick up the pieces when Kat breaks you again." She grabbed her bottle of Fiji water off the ground beside her, unscrewing the cap and taking a long drink of it.

Lily watched her, the curve of her neck, the way her head was tilted back just so. A single loose strand of brown hair fell out of place.

(It was almost -- )

Lily sighed, rubbing at her temple. She was getting a massive headache; this conversation wasn't helping much either.

"I know, Kaya. I know," she said finally. "I'm always asking way too much of you and it's just -- well, I know you've got your own stuff going on and I shouldn't be bothering you with things I already know the answer to anyway. It's just, well, you're the only person, I think that really gets Kat. Even more so than me, I mean."

Kaya reached out and patted Lily's wrist. "I really don't," she said, after a time.

(They both knew she was lying.)

 

;;

 

Kaya called, almost a week later; Lily was in the shower and didn't hear the phone ring.

The voice message says, _Hope you're still proving me wrong. We should have lunch together again. Without the shouting, maybe, if you're up for it._

Kat said, "What was that about?" right before she pinned Lily against the bedroom wall and left a trail of bruises along Lily's breasts, stomach, thighs. Her way of being marked, Lily thought idly, as Kathryn dropped to her knees and moved her tongue in such a way that Lily's legs wobbled and almost gave out beneath her.

"I fucking love you," she groaned, twisting one hand in Kat's hair, the other gripping the wall blindly for support.

Kat had answered that with three fingers inside her, rough and hard and full.

Eleven hours later, she was gone.

 

;;

She was in the kitchen working her way through a bottle of vodka when her mobile phone buzzed awake with an incoming call: Kaya. Of course. For half a second she debated not picking up and flinging her phone across the room instead. But Kaya would call back, probably now on the house phone. And Lily didn't think she could stand a repeat of the _last_ conversation she'd had with Kaya after Kat had dumped her. Again.

With a sigh, she clicked the _answer_ button and then the button for the speakerphone. "Yeah."

"Again?" Kaya's voice was less cheerful than before. "Lils, I heard -- "

"I'm not really in the mood," Lily said and, leaning back, took a long gulp of vodka, wincing as it slid down her throat, settling heavily in her empty stomach. Burning like fire. She thought about maybe crying; instead she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and set the bottle down with a heavy _clink_.

There was a pause and a sharp intake of breath from Kaya's end. "Are you drinking?"

"Maybe."

"It's eight o'clock." Kaya's voice sounded worried and angry and tired all at once.

Lily pushed the bottle away a bit guiltily. "Right. So."

"Is she coming back this time?"

Through the phone came the sound of traffic, the gentle wail of a police siren going off the in the distance. Lily saw in her mind's eye Kaya, standing at her window, leaning off the sill and blowing smoke out onto the streets. The wind would catch at her hair and string it along for a bit, playfully. The end of her fag would glow gold-red as Kaya inhaled a steady breath.

She traced the edge of the label on the vodka bottle with her index finger. The brand name spelled out in lazy, swooping letters. She wanted to say _I don't know_ or even _I hope so_ , but she couldn't say that. Not to Kaya. Not to anyone. Least of all, to herself.

Instead she said, "Yeah. She will. I just have to wait."

"You're always waiting," Kaya told her, and hung up without another word.

 

;;

 

 _I'm sorry,_ the note on the pillow beside Lily had read. _I'm sorry that I can't just be with you. Be brave. I promise I won't keep you waiting forever._

 

;;

 

A little while later, she called back.

"Sorry," she said, sounding happier this time. "I was in a bad mood because of the sodding hangover I woke up this morning with. Let's go out. We need to take your mind off -- well, off Kat."

They went out for coffee, and then, at Kaya's insistence, they went shopping. They took a bus down to Oxford Street, where Kaya tugged a sullen Lily from shop to shop. "Are you going to sulk the whole time?" she asked, still sipping at her latte, and had given Lily a look so seriously condescending that Lily _had_ to laugh.

"There you go," Kaya smiled. "See, it's not so bad, is it? Like, you _can_ have fun on your own, Lils. Don't be a pussy."

"We're having fun now, aren't we?" Lily asked, as they browsed through the rows at Top Shop, Kaya commenting on every outfit they came across. Too bright, too dark, too modest, too short; Lily was glad that Kaya talked enough for both of them, because while yes, she was beginning to feel a bit better about the whole thing (and Kat would be back soon enough, like always) she still wasn't exactly in the mood for doing anything other than sitting around her apartment drinking and smoking and trying to remember her lines for tomorrow's rehersal.

That was until Kaya accidentally knocked over a whole display stand of jeans and they had to run out of the store so as not to get told off by the manager. Running, Kaya's hand in hers, Lily thought, _Yeah, okay_. So it wasn't completely bad being without Kat. It'd just been so long since she'd done something on her own.

She said as much.

"See, this is why I'm always trying to get you out of the house," Kaya admonished as they slipped down a side street, laughing. "Fucking sullen bitch," she said, giving Lily a playful shove. "Now you'll finally spend a decent amount of time hanging out with me. Like we used to, remember?"

"Yeah." Lily leaned against the wall, trying to catch her breath. "But we were younger then. Now we're old and plain and no fun anymore."

Kaya faked offense and gave Lily another gentle shove. "Speak for yourself, Lily Loveless."

Lily smirked and pushed her back. "Liar."

Kaya grabbed her wrist and pressed her back against the wall, still laughing, her eyes shining brightly. It wasn't until a few seconds had gone by that Lily realized they hadn't moved at all; Kaya's face was still inches from hers, both of them caught in a moment of inaction, unable to move. She could feel her heart racing in her chest and her throat closing up and she knew it had nothing do with her earlier running.

(Oh. _Oh_. Is this -- )

And then it happened: Kaya kissed her.

It was a proper, full on kiss; Lily could feel the edge of Kaya's tongue sweep along her bottom lip and she found herself sighing into the kiss, despite herself. Kaya tasted minty like toothpaste and like the caramel latte she'd finished only minutes earlier. Sweet. And not at all like Kathryn.

( _Kathryn_.)

"Oh, fuck, shit," Lily muttered, pushing Kaya away a moment later, wiping at her mouth.

Kaya looked sad and shocked and disappointed all at once. "Sorry," she said, in a quiet voice. "I didn't mean -- well, I did, but not like how I just -- can we just forget that ever happened?"

Lily felt resentment rising in her then, white hot like anger, traitorous and uncontrollable. Kat wanted her to wait. She _always_ wanted Lily to wait. Sit and wait at home while she fucked girls that were younger, prettier, more clever, less serious and more of what she wanted. Girls who weren't Lily at all. That was what Kathryn wanted. Just one fling after another with the comfort of knowing that she'd always have Lily to come home to. Lily would somehow find a way to swallow her anger and greet Kat with open arms, no matter how much it stung, like a knife twisting in her heart.

Kathryn, who she despised.

(And Kathryn, who she loved.)

"I don't _want_ to forget it," Lily said then, and reaching forward, yanked Kaya in for another kiss, their shopping bags falling to the pavement and spilling out around their feet.

 

;;

 

She fingered Kaya in the backseat of the taxi they took back to Kaya's apartment --

(she wanted this, yes, but the thought of doing anything in the bed that she and Kathryn shared made her sick to her stomach)

\-- Kaya biting down on her hand to keep from making any noise, eyes squeezed shut, one leg curling around Lily's waist, bucking her hips into Lily's hand to make her go faster. Harder. More, more. Please. Lily met each request with a slight smirk, trying not to think about how Kat had done the same thing to her, years earlier, and how it had been the first time Lily had realized that maybe Kathryn was a little too much for her.

Or could be, anyway. At times.

Kaya kissed her as she came; Lily tried not to think about Kathryn.

 

;;

 

At Kaya's apartment, their movements are slower, softer, but there's still an edge of impossibility to it all. As Kaya's tongue circled her nipple, Lily thought that maybe she was just imagining this. Dreaming it. She would wake up to a pillow that was wet with tears, her phone on the nightstand buzzing with a call from Kathryn saying that she was sorry, she'd be home soon. The covers would be twisted all around her legs, like rope, binding her to the bed. Keeping her still.

Faithful.

Not like she could be unfaithful when she wasn't even seeing Kat anymore, but it _felt_ almost like cheating, especially when Kaya's hand slipped between her thighs and Lily was relieved to find that Kaya wasn't even nearly as skilled as Kat was. It felt like cheating too, when Kaya pulled Lily's hand up to her mouth, kissing her fingertips, Lily arching beneath her, biting down on her lip to keep from moaning out the wrong name.

It felt even worse to be in the _after_ , when they were lying on the bed side by side, both panting, flushed. Lily could feel the difference in the air between them; the spell that had brought them together had been torn apart just as quickly. Her arms felt heavy, empty. She wanted to pull Kaya towards her, but couldn't. It wouldn't be the same to nuzzle her face against the crook of Kaya's neck, kissing the skin there, inhaling the scent of sweat, perfume, soap. It wouldn't feel right.

You're just the same, she thought, and instantly hated herself. No better than Kathryn after all.

"I've got to go," she said, standing and pulling on her clothes.

(She felt like a cheater, still.)

Kaya reached for her matches and fags on the small table beside the bed, said nothing.

 

;;

 

The text came two days later: _we're still good, yeah?_

Lily deleted the text without responding. She didn't know what to say anyway.

 

;;

 

Seeing Megan with a concerned look on her face was always a cause for worry. Mostly because ninety-nine percent of the time Meg was looking like that it meant that Kathryn was somehow involved. Lily, who was still recovering from last week's fuck and fuck-up with Kaya, really did not want to be here. Sat on a bench in the park near Megan's flat, smoking a fag that she'd done a shit job at rolling herself.

Waiting to find out what _else_ was wrong with her life.

Megan prefaced the conversation with, "You and I both know that my sister is a right twat."

Lily snorted. "A bit of an understatement that," she said. She tried not to sound bitter. Failed. Megan reached out and rested her hand tentatively on Lily's wrist; I understand, the gesture said. Lily wanted to jerk away from Megan's touch; no, she _didn't_ understand. Not at all.

"I'm just saying, Lils." Megan looked sad. Distracted. Then, "So is it true?"

Lily knew what she was asking, but still she said, "Is what true?"

Meg hesitated, unsure. There was uncertainty in her eyes, voice. "That Kat's run off on you again. I heard from Jack who heard from Kaya that something had happened. Figured that maybe Kat had, um -- well, that she'd dumped you again."

"She did." Lily internally breathed a tiny sigh of relief. Meg didn't know that she and Kaya had -- that she'd -- they'd --

(She couldn't even say it to herself. Pathetic.)

"Oh."

"It's fine," Lily said, pulling herself together and chucking away her rubbish cigarette. "I mean, that's what Kat does, right? She comes home for a bit, makes me think that everything's going to be just fucking _peachy_ and then fucks right off again. You know, she didn't even bother to give me an excuse this time," Lily laughed bitterly, shaking her head. "Just wrote me a note, said she'd be back. Well of course she'll fucking be back, won't she?"

"Lily." Megan said softly, pulling her hand away, twisting the cuff of her sleeve between her fingers. "She _does_ love you."

"She's got a funny way of showing it, hasn't she?"

Megan's voice was a bit firmer this time. Like she'd prepared herself for this. "She's just scared, Lily. You've got to understand. I'm pretty sure you're the only person Kathryn's ever loved more than herself. She doesn't know how to -- she's afraid that she's trapped herself somehow. Not necessarily with you, I mean, just, she wonders if maybe . . . Fuck it," Megan muttered, rolling her eyes and digging into her handbag for a cigarette of her own, flicking her lighter open and inhaling quickly. "Don't ask me to explain, it, Lily, because I can't."

(Not like anyone could explain Kat or why she did things.)

"Sorry," Lily said.

Meg tapped the end of her cigarette; they watched the ashes fall to the ground. "So, are you, then?"

"What?"

"Going to wait. For her, I mean."

It sounded fake, even though it was the truth; even on her tongue it tasted like a lie. "Yes."

 

;;

 

"Are you just going to ignore me forever, then?" Kaya's voice was sharp on the other end.

"Sorry."

Kaya sighed. "I don't want an apology, Lily. I just want you to acknowledge my existence. I wasn't -- I mean, it wasn't so bad that you don't want to talk to me ever again, was it? Because in that case I should probably stop trying to pull girls," she joked, with a small laugh.

It'd been three weeks since Kathryn had up and left her. Three weeks, one day and seventeen hours, but it wasn't as though Lily was keeping track. Not mostly, anyway. She'd been busy with rehersal and also with trying to put her whole Kaya-related-fling out of her mind. She couldn't go to sleep without tasting Kaya in her mouth, remember the way Kaya had arched and jerked and sighed against her. She had a delicateness to her that Kathryn did not.

She smiled where Kathryn would smirk. Her kisses didn't feel like fire licking across her skin but softer. She slowed Lily's heart instead of making it race. It felt easier to breathe when Kaya was around; Kathryn sucked all of the air out of her lungs. They were the two sides of the same coin of Lily's life. Now when she thought _Kaya_ , she always thought _Kathryn_.

(It bothered her more for some reason when she thought _Kathryn_ , she also thought _Kaya_.)

She could say it was a moment of weakness. Loneliness. Kaya knew how to make her feel better when Kathryn made her feel worse. But she couldn't say that. It sounded stupid even to her. As if that would suddenly make everything okay between them. And Kaya wouldn't understand, anyway. And how could she, when Lily couldn't even understand her own thought process, or the way her heart tightened in her chest when she thought of the two of them: Kat and Kaya. Kaya and Kat.

"We can still be friends," she said lamely.

"Well, that's a comforting thought. Cheers." There was the sound of a match being struck. Then, "The month's almost up."

Lily said nothing.

"Are you going to take her back, then?"

"Thought you'd already know the answer to that, Kay," Lily said. "You're the expert on this."

"So it's like that."

"Don't do this. You know that I love her."

Kaya's tone was neutral. "Of course."

 

;;

 

It's been twenty-eight days, five hours, thirteen minutes and fifty four seconds. Fifty-five seconds. Fifty-six.

 

;;

 

On the day Kathryn returns, Lily has convinced herself that she would absolutely not, under any circumstances, take her back. She loves Kat; this much she knows is true. But Kat is not _Kathryn_ anymore. Or at least, it doesn't feel like she's the same person. The Kat who fell into bed with Lily, laughing, while they practised their lines for _Skins_ was not the same girl who leaves Lily alone in bed with lines so cliché that she could choke on them. There was the Kat that Lily knew, understood, and then there was the Kat who was a stranger, a mystery.

Megan said that Kat felt like she'd trapped herself. Lily only wished that she knew what that fucking _meant_. Trapped. Really, just, fuck Kathryn. Fuck her and her stupid sense of incompleteness. Everything had been enough for Lily -- why couldn't it have been enough for her? Maybe things had always been too easy. Maybe she should have tried harder. She shouldn't have let Kathryn fuck her in the toilets of Flamingos in Bristol. Shouldn't have let Kat kiss her in the dressing room, between scenes.

Shouldn't have held her hand under the table during read throughs or sighed as Kat lay in bed beside her on set and stroked her hip.

(Shouldn't have said "I love you," when they kissed out in the street after the wrap party. Shouldn't have let her go. Shouldn't have taken her back.)

"Hey," Kat whispers in Lily's ear, covering Lily's eyes with her hands. "Guess who."

(Shouldn't have planned to say no, Lily thinks.)

 

;;

 

They were on the floor, Kathryn expertly rolling a spliff and Lily drinking Jack Daniel's straight from the bottle. There was a trail of clothes from the living room to the bedroom, which they'd thrown aside in their haste to undress each other. But they'd ended up on the floor, lying head to toe, like they had a very long time ago. Kat said it made her feel nostalgic. Lily was too enamoured by the reappearance of Kat to think properly.

"I really fucking missed you, you know," Kat said, passing the spliff over to Lily.

"I slept with Kaya," Lily said.

She'd expected Kat to be angry. Or jealous, even. Instead Kat laughed and said, "How was she then?" like it's some big fucking joke. As if Lily could ever sleep with anyone else but her. Oh Lily, don't be ridiculous; you know that I'm the only girl you're ever going to fuck. Lily thought that Kat should care a little more. She told Kat as much, who stared at her incredulously.

"I don't care what you do when we're not together, Lils," she said seriously, after a long pause. "I don't own you."

Lily thought maybe Kat did. Kind of.

"And besides, I think it's kind of cool, actually," Kat drawled, stealing the spliff away from Lily with nimble fingers. Her hair, which had been dark brown for ages now, looked redder in the glow of the spliff and the light from the setting sun, which crept through a crack in the curtains. "I mean, now you know, yeah? How it feels to be with someone different. It makes you appreciate what you've got more."

"Do you appreciate me, Kitty Kat?" Lily leaned back, stretching with a groan.

Kat's teeth were very white in the semi-darkness. "Don't you think so?" Her hand worked its way down Lily's stomach to even lower, between her legs. Two fingers pushing down, on either side of her clit. Lily bit her lip and threw her head back; it smacked lightly against the floor and, for a second, she saw stars.

"But do you, really?" she panted, after Kathryn made her come, hand working smoothly, quickly, her mouth on Lily's nipple, sucking hard.

"I love you," Kat said, kissing the hollow space at the base of Lily's throat. "But I can't be perfect."

Lily didn't want Kat to be perfect. She just wanted her to stay.

 

;;

 

"Sorry," she murmured into Kathryn's hair when they were spooning in bed, much later. She didn't know why she said it. She just felt like she had to. Kat turned in her arms and kissed her lazily, soft, open-mouthed kisses that made Lily feel like she was flying.

 

;;

 

Jack stopped by.

"It's been a while," he said, tipping back in his chair as they sat at the kitchen table, doing tequila shots. "I'm glad I was able to finally catch my two favourite lesbians _together_ , rather than separate." His grin seemed too earnest, too sincere; it made Lily feel uneasy. "I take it everything's peachy again now? Maybe you'd like to show me just how much you love being reunited?"

He winked; Kat laughed. Lily excused herself to go outside for a fag.

 

;;

 

She hadn't heard from Kaya in two months. Almost wished she could call her up and be smug about proving her wrong.

 

;;

 

"Are you really staying this time?" she asked Kathryn after the third month of them being together had passed. They were in the kitchen cooking dinner together; Lily was at the sink peeling potatoes while Kathryn was breading the chicken. The timer on the oven beeped annoyingly, telling them that it had heated up.

She didn't turn around, but she could feel Kat's eyes on her. "Why? Do you think I'm going to just up and leave?"

"Well, it's not like you don't have a track record," Lily said. She regretted it the instant that she said it, but there it was. The truth, laid out right there. Neither of them could deny it. Maybe it was better if they just dealt with this, finally, instead of pretending like it didn't happen. Or maybe it wouldn't be. Lily didn't want to argue; she wanted to have dinner, smoke a fag, and make love to Kathryn on the couch before they fell asleep to hum of traffic outside.

"You always took me back." Kat's voice was low, accusing. Like this was somehow all Lily's fault.

She kept right on peeling the potatoes; she couldn't bring herself to turn around. "Because I love you, Kathryn. But I've been thinking and just -- when or if you leave again, that's it, okay? Please don't come back."

Kathryn's hand was on her wrist, gripping it tightly. Her breath was hot on the back of Lily's neck. Lily thought about turning in Kat's arms, pulling her up onto her tiptoes and kissing her until they were both dizzy and breathless. Thought about smoothing Kat's fringe back with her wet hands. But she was rooted to the spot, unable to move. The cold water splashed against her hands.

"I don't want to leave," Kat said, quietly. She pressed a kiss to Lily's shoulder through her shirt.

But maybe _I_ want you to, Lily thought and started to cry.

 

;;

 

 _I tried_ the note says.

 

;;

 

Kaya opened the door after nearly ten minutes of knocking. She was stood in the doorway in just an oversized shirt and knickers, looking like she just rolled out of bed. Her hair was mussed, eyes still half-closed with sleep. She looked at Lily as if she wasn't really there.

"It's seven in the morning," she said, stifling a yawn and rubbing at her eyes. "What's up?"

Lily _did_ cry then. Rough, choking sobs that made her feel like she was dying. She felt ridiculous, standing out in the hall, her tears dripping onto the front of her blouse and spotting it with tiny wet spots. Kaya stared at her for a second and then reached for her hand, silently pulling Lily inside.

They collapsed against the door, Kaya pressing a kiss to Lily's forehead as Lily knitted her fingers into the front of Kaya's shirt and held her close. In her head, she could hear Kathryn's voice, could feel Kat's fingers tangling in her hair. I really fucking love you, she'd said. Kaya's shirt in her hands felt like Kathryn's sheets, the ones that smelled like the ocean and washing powder.

Kaya's hair was Kat's hair, tickling her nose as she rolled over in bed, leaning in for a kiss and bumping their noses together. The smell of cigarette smoke from Kaya's shirt was that first cigarette shared on the night when they all got together, before Bristol became life and life became a fantasy. Something to slip into for a while but never to really grow used to. A passing thought.

It was Kat's hand sliding into hers, the way her lips turned up into a smile. The way her hair was blood red, not candy floss pink. The way Lily could taste her strawberry lipgloss when Kat handed the cigarette back and Lily took a long, steady drag of it. The wind caught the smoke and pulled it up to the sky and stars.

(I've loved you since -- )

(Lily stared down the note in her hands, willing herself not to cry and smudge the ink.)

There was Kaya, sat across the table, a year earlier, stirring her strawberry daiquiri. Laughing, _What, again?_ The sad, dejected look on her face when Lily climbed out of bed. The way she'd moved against Lily's mouth and hands. How she could always remember what Lily was doing and Lily couldn't return the favour.

"How lucky Kat is," she'd always said to Lily.

"What?"

"She's luckier than I am," Kaya had sighed, sipping at her water. "Because she's always been able to do the things she wanted to do. Have the things that she wanted to have."

Lily'd stared down into her coffee. "Your life isn't bad, Kaya," she'd said, after a moment. "And Kat's life isn't perfect. At least you know what you want."

Or maybe Kat did know what she wanted. Maybe she just knew that what she wanted she'd already gotten.

Lily's throat felt raw from too much crying. She mumbled a string of _sorry_ -s into Kaya's shoulder and tried to force down the fresh tears that sprang to her eyes. "It's okay, it's okay," Kaya said, holding her, stroking her hair, one hand rubbing Lily's back consolingly. Lily didn't know how long they'd been sitting there. Minutes, maybe. It felt like longer.

"It's all right," Kaya said, and smoothed back Lily's fringe. She leaned up and kissed Lily's forehead. Once, twice. Then the bridge of her nose. "I'm not Kat," she said.

"I know."

Kaya moved in to kiss her.


End file.
